Rebuilding Social Traditions
I’m a homebody who likes to lounge in bed in front of the laptop rather than go out. I’ve always felt more comfortable on the internet because it’s a less in-your-face way of communicating. I’m introverted and shy around strangers. So, I’m not going to badmouth the modern digital age.
The way people interact with each other has undergone a radical transformation within just the last couple decades, and, in some ways, it changed for the worse. We’re steadily drifting away from social gatherings and longstanding community traditions.
In many ways, this article is about our mental well-being.
I may be a quiet shut-in, but my mental health was at it’s absolute worst — bordering suicidal depression and a host of other issues — when I was completely and utterly alone. I didn’t have a network of friends in town. My extended family was so spread out that we literally never see each other. Not even at holidays.
I had many friends here with Legends Alliance, but the human body needs direct human contact to thrive. Most people I knew only went out with friends once in a blue moon. Community events were rare enough on their own, and it was rarer still that a significant number of people showed up to them. A lot of people I knew had anxiety issues, and some of these people were social butterflies in the decades before.
How did things change, and how did that impact our mental health?
If you’re a younger adult just about to set off on your own, this will serve as a warning about how lonely “adult life” can be — and hopefully give you some advice on how to avoid that trap.
THE MODERN ERA: A LOSS OF COMMUNITY
In some ways, the modern digital age has made socializing a vestigial remnant of an older era. It’s limited now. Limited in time, and limited in purpose. It starts right after you leave school — the moment you actually become an adult.
You might be offered work in a totally different part of the country. A lot of recent university or vocational graduates will get job offers… in a different city or different state. By uprooting yourself and moving away from home, you instantly cut yourself off from extended family and old friends. You are alone in a new place. Making friends outside of work can be difficult if you don’t have a “buffer” acquaintance to introduce you to people. People who relocate for work can find themselves isolated, anxious, and depressed.
Time is more limited than ever. It feels that way, at least. 9-to-5 shifts are slowly dwindling, replaced with less stable work hours and changing schedules. Both partners in a relationship will likely be working, forcing you both to deal with cooking and chores after you get home. That cuts into your already precious relaxation time. And if you work on computers all day, you might not want to connect with your “online” friends as often as you once did. That cuts down on even the most accessible form of socializing.
No more hanging out; you’re scheduling all your gatherings. Scheduling takes the fun out of socializing almost as much as it takes the fun out of sex. You and your friends might have different work shifts. That means every time you want to do something, you have to plan in advance. This in itself might be a source of anxiety, because now being with your friends is like making a goddamn doctor appointment. Realistically, you’ll spend time with friends a couple times a month. Weekend brunches ‘n shit. How formal.
There’s no longer a sense of community unity. There used to be more community events than there are today. People would visit neighbors and having neighborhood parties. If you didn’t have a tight social group, then you could always go hang out at a community function. But those have steadily been removed from our society, replaced with classes or seminars or that Zumba nonsense. Which leads me to…
Socializing is mostly done for a “reason.” Socializing has even become somewhat commercialized. People only tend to go out if there’s a activity to focus their attention. Attend a seminar. See a play. Go to an exercise class. Tour a scenic location. It’s less common for people to hang out solely to enjoy each other’s company at someone’s home.
Generally speaking, a lot of young adults are stressed, lonely, and very anxious about meeting new people. Socializing is like any other skill. You need to practice to be comfortable with it. With all of our social gatherings becoming increasingly compartmentalized and scheduled, that aspect of life becomes increasingly difficult — laying the groundwork for poor mental health and exacerbating existing issues like anxiety.
And because we’re made to feel that this is normal, we don’t talk about our feelings of neglect. We may even blame ourselves for not doing enough to “get out there.”
It didn’t used to be like this. There used to be a lot more social traditions and “social anchoring” to bring people together. My parents (older Boomers) and grandparents (born between 1915-1922) lived in a vastly different society. One that was, honestly, a lot warmer and welcoming.
TAKING LESSONS FROM THE PAST
In that dark, ominous age before the glorious birth of the internet, socializing was our primary form of entertainment. Being alone at home was dull as hell. People spent a lot of time out on the town. Jazz clubs, fraternal orders, taverns packed full of regular customers, community events, yearly traditions — you had a lot of social variety, and very few activities needed you to have a “reason” for participating.
It happened all the way up until the 1990s. The difference between my early childhood and my adulthood is staggering. When I was a kid, everyone in town would have community dances and parties. People of all ages got together. We had a stable “extended family” of friends. People would come over to dinner at my grandmother’s house just… because. The home was warm and welcoming, but we still had plenty of private time when not entertaining guests.
Now, the same home is exclusively populated by its residents. People almost never drop by. Our extended family and old circle of friends never get together anymore. The social framework that used to exist is just gone. Facebook can’t adequately emulate natural socializing. It still leaves you feeling empty (and that’s not including the times when you get into Facebook political arguments with random people).
My mother used to go out dances and spend a lot of time with friends. Now she rarely leaves home. Her anxiety is infinitely worse than it used to be, and I’m sure the change in social customs is partly to blame.
So, what lessons can we take from the “old days” to improve our overall mental health?
Take turns hosting dinners. I don’t mean “have a dinner party.” Throwing a dinner party nowadays is Martha Stewart induced agony where people feel compelled to make guests play stupid games or marvel at your needless fancy decorations. Nobody gives a shit about this stuff, and if you go overboard with it you’ll be known as that really fussy person that takes all the fun out of hanging out. Just make a lot of food and talk. About anything. Let people relax and watch TV while you cook. You don’t have to keep everyone occupied every fucking second of the evening. Friends will naturally come up with things to do on their own. People might want to play Rock Band or a board game. That’s all cool. Just let things take their own natural course rather than try to micro-manage everybody to maintain a sense of “fun.”
Turn your favorite shows or movies into social nights. Do you and your friends all love a certain movie or TV show? Meet up at someone’s house and watch new episodes when they premiere (or save them for when everyone can get together as a group). Watching a show together can be hugely entertaining. You might even have more fun by deliberately watching a trainwreck of a show — making fun of it together can create great memories. It’s a no-pressure excuse to get together and hang out.
Attend community events. Your town or neighborhood likely hosts events throughout the year, but few young people ever attend. Maybe because most of us have gotten used to being isolated. Find events you’ll enjoy — or a neutral gathering like a barbecue — and give it try. You can mingle with neighbors you’d otherwise never interact with. They’re a great way to meet new people in your area, and annual events can provide you with a new social tradition.
Join a club, an easy-going church, and/or volunteer. You have a ton of options here, all catered to your personal interests. You could join a martial arts academy. A sewing group. You could join a community-oriented fraternal order like the Moose Lodge or Eagles. If you’re spiritual, attending a laid-back church is a great way to gather as a community. You can also volunteer regularly via any number of local volunteering organizations. All of these things provide you with new connections, access to new community events, and a regular source of social interaction.
The more active you are, the more interesting you are — and the more “rooted” you become to your friends and neighbors. Having a purpose boosts your self-esteem and mental health. Sometimes giving back to your community brings more tangible happiness than your career does.
If you haven’t yet found a significant other and hate the single life, being highly active in clubs or social groups is the easiest way to meet new people.
Maintain traditions, and not just during holidays. Sometimes the value of tradition isn’t the event itself, but the stability and comfort that comes from revisiting something once a year. It’s like the change in seasons. The holidays provide you with an excuse to get together during the winter months, but you might want to create annual traditions of your own. You could make a habit of visiting a particular destination once a year, hold a group barbecue, or have a video game tournament with fellow nerd friends (so long as nobody stabs each other over Mario Kart upsets). The event isn’t nearly as important as building stable tradition to keep you anchored.
Extend invitations. Obviously, you want to maintain some private time for yourself to recharge after work/school. If you find yourself isolated for too long, though, make it known that people are welcome to visit. A lot of people want to hang out, but feel that dropping by might seem too intrusive. Create a welcoming atmosphere in your home and people will feel less anxious about hanging out — remember, they’ve been conditioned to “schedule” social time, too.
Being an adult in this new digital age can leave you feeling isolated, lonely, and unfulfilled. You can easily fall into the pattern of: work, eat, Facebook, sleep, repeat. It will start to eat away at you.
Social health isn’t talked about very often, especially in conjunction with overall mental well-being, but it’s just as vital as any other “adult” skill. If not more so. Maintaining a healthy social group and social traditions are excellent ways to keep yourself centered — no matter what other horrors are going on in the world. In many ways, these things were the original glue that held all of society together.